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emotions
March 2009 
Pain in Paper and Pen
Posted on Jan 24th, 2009
by 
MsCapriKell
MsCapriKell
I took a break this evening and wrote in my paper journal; I've been struggling with something as of late and I felt that paper was the best method to use first. I'm not shy about putting my paper writings into this form, my online journal... so...
if you are reading this, please be aware that it is RAW format ... I am not looking for feedback - this is just processing what's going on in this vessel.
Here is the journal:
Where I am struggling with the forgiveness is the letting go... or concern that the "other" has not let it go. This is primarily based on the fact that the "other" (who was previously a friend in my life) does not want to communicate with me after several years have passed.
Logically, I understand that I played a part in being their "pain" in the situations as much as I feel that they were the "pain" from my perspective. (We both feel wronged, I get that) I feel that I was "wronged" but it seems that they see me as the only wrong one. That makes me feel sad because I feel unacknowledged, repressed, and blocked. I have taken these feelings deeply into my Emotional Body, the painbody, and have limited my friendships to people who are far away, only virtual, or the like. And when I do get close to new friends, life circumstances seem to come up (do I subconsciously bring these about due to my views of myself as "undeserving"?) that separate me from them.
I have so many reasons why people *shouldn't* or probably won't want to get close to me - and concurrently, I try so hard to build myself a social network, to engage myself with people that I find inspiring. And yet I am terrified of whether or not these social connections really see me or if I am just an internet/SM commodity to sell their "wares" to. I truly do find my social networking connections interesting and valuable and want to hear about their "wares" - it's sometiems what has inspired the connection in the first place.
But, it has come up again through a fond memory or coming across those "old friends'" blogs or photos (yeah, I've kept bookmarks and connections on places like Flickr) ... Anywho...
I don't *hate* these people, so I *want* to communicate happiness when I see something positive, or see a cute photo shared... but I observe things like my comment getting deleted from photos - and it hurts all over again - it feels like they hate me - that what I did, the part I played in the past was so awful to them that social amicable interactions aren't an option. I can't share that I am happy for them or that I enjoy their creativity. I feel like I am still being punished. Why would any new friendships be able to grow in this kind of soil?
I'm not saying I want to jump back into these people's lives - just to be able to share an amicable smile.
How has this carried forward in my life?
Even through the struggles, I never stopped loving these people from my past; so, I've carried them with me in my heart, remembering the moments of joy and closeness... and I miss that.
Now, if I get into a great conversation with a friend, I can start feeling this *presence* and I get out of the funk - but it's moments lik this that I get scared that I will be alone and unknown for the rest of my life.
"You are the only *YOU* in existence." - thought popped into my head - felt like an angelic hand on my shoulder.
I try to find validation in my "responsibilities" - like work. I can pull myself "out-of-this-funk" by remembering that I have work that I need to do - that I need to be present for - that I've made a commitment to do. So, I feel that I don't have time to "go there" - I can't not work; it's what pays the bills so I can live here.
I'm feeling terribly embarrassed at not "having it together" enough to live for real. I hope that in just being present for each day that I connect with my life purpose - and a couple of times, I thought I was connected and on it. And maybe I was, or even still am, I just don't (can't?) see it right now. And that's what terrifies me - what the fuck is my purpose anymore?
if you are reading this, please be aware that it is RAW format ... I am not looking for feedback - this is just processing what's going on in this vessel.
Here is the journal:
Where I am struggling with the forgiveness is the letting go... or concern that the "other" has not let it go. This is primarily based on the fact that the "other" (who was previously a friend in my life) does not want to communicate with me after several years have passed.
Logically, I understand that I played a part in being their "pain" in the situations as much as I feel that they were the "pain" from my perspective. (We both feel wronged, I get that) I feel that I was "wronged" but it seems that they see me as the only wrong one. That makes me feel sad because I feel unacknowledged, repressed, and blocked. I have taken these feelings deeply into my Emotional Body, the painbody, and have limited my friendships to people who are far away, only virtual, or the like. And when I do get close to new friends, life circumstances seem to come up (do I subconsciously bring these about due to my views of myself as "undeserving"?) that separate me from them.
I have so many reasons why people *shouldn't* or probably won't want to get close to me - and concurrently, I try so hard to build myself a social network, to engage myself with people that I find inspiring. And yet I am terrified of whether or not these social connections really see me or if I am just an internet/SM commodity to sell their "wares" to. I truly do find my social networking connections interesting and valuable and want to hear about their "wares" - it's sometiems what has inspired the connection in the first place.
But, it has come up again through a fond memory or coming across those "old friends'" blogs or photos (yeah, I've kept bookmarks and connections on places like Flickr) ... Anywho...
I don't *hate* these people, so I *want* to communicate happiness when I see something positive, or see a cute photo shared... but I observe things like my comment getting deleted from photos - and it hurts all over again - it feels like they hate me - that what I did, the part I played in the past was so awful to them that social amicable interactions aren't an option. I can't share that I am happy for them or that I enjoy their creativity. I feel like I am still being punished. Why would any new friendships be able to grow in this kind of soil?
I'm not saying I want to jump back into these people's lives - just to be able to share an amicable smile.
How has this carried forward in my life?
- I cloister myself.
- I have a social anxiety disorder
- I try TOO HARD - hoping that I'll find forgiveness from a stranger.
- I can't see what others see in me - even from my sisters.
Even through the struggles, I never stopped loving these people from my past; so, I've carried them with me in my heart, remembering the moments of joy and closeness... and I miss that.
Now, if I get into a great conversation with a friend, I can start feeling this *presence* and I get out of the funk - but it's moments lik this that I get scared that I will be alone and unknown for the rest of my life.
"You are the only *YOU* in existence." - thought popped into my head - felt like an angelic hand on my shoulder.
I try to find validation in my "responsibilities" - like work. I can pull myself "out-of-this-funk" by remembering that I have work that I need to do - that I need to be present for - that I've made a commitment to do. So, I feel that I don't have time to "go there" - I can't not work; it's what pays the bills so I can live here.
I'm feeling terribly embarrassed at not "having it together" enough to live for real. I hope that in just being present for each day that I connect with my life purpose - and a couple of times, I thought I was connected and on it. And maybe I was, or even still am, I just don't (can't?) see it right now. And that's what terrifies me - what the fuck is my purpose anymore?
Access: Public
Kelly, I guess I just want to tell you that you’re not alone in feeling what you’re feeling. Most of us have isolated our real selves from the rest of the world (at least sometimes) and it does make it hard to connect and live “real” in the moment, letting the past be the past. I always think of that Sting song, “Message in a Bottle”…”a hundred million castaways looking for a home.” I can tell you, “Just keep the faith,” which sounds really trite, but when I get to feeling lost, disconnected, fake, purpose-less, I eventually get to that place where I realize that if I’m going to go on at all, I just have to stop struggling, stop thinking, and just and let go. I picture myself drifting on a sunny sea and realize that I’m buoyant, I’m floating; I’m not sinking. I guess that’s faith of sorts. Faith that I’m going to be OK, that I’m going to get to shore eventually. Love can mend our lives just as often as it can break our hearts, or so Sting says.
And hey, for what it’s worth…we’ve never met in the real world, but I know you are my friend and I think you’re a very special person indeed. If we are what we give, then you are downright magnificent! I am blessed to know you.
Wow. Thanks so much for your honesty. You are about 40 years ahead of me!
But what is true and how to get through this properly has not anything to do with you being wrong. You can feel it but don’t be it. You are immensely capabable. We need your help, for real. www.themodeloftheuniverse.com and www.idenics.com and other sites can help. Hang in there!
YOur reason is to be the brave one that puts the words to the feelings millions of us have in this disjointed world. I have only a virtual network…not one live in the flesh, living person that is my friend, it is not terrible, it is just true. I don’t want to sell you anything, except on the fact that I have always and will always be in love with the real you. That’s all. I want nothing, you have nothing I want, I just like and enjoy your spirit and the real raw you that I see myself inside sometimes. You must go in to find your way out. This has nothing to do with commerce, only with the reality that for me, (I have no real life friends only online am I allowed social interaction outside my kids and mate) you are counted as friend, that matters to me and is very, very real. It staves off my insanity and restores my faith in self and humanity. I’ll say it again, with a whole heart, I love you for you not your money, your gifts or your time even….just because I see the beauty and I bow to that which I see inisde of you.
I have read the whole thing…and the lovely comments too. This is just to say…which reminds me of a William Carlos Williams poem:
by William Carlos Williams
This blog feels so connected to the one I wrote last night about apologies. It’s hard when we’re in the midst of the existential funk to remember that things like apologies, forgiveness and even gratitude are more about us than the other person.
Thanks for sharing your raw words. I loved reading them.
Kelly, the other comments speak so much towards the content of what you have written so beautifully, and I am so so so proud of you for sharing this here with your friends. So I want to share about process a little and a recent discovery of my own. If I may will copy in a bit of a recent blog of my own:
“Yes I know… have been MIA. A dear friend got on me last night to go back to blogging here. It was not something I felt like doing really… but I do realize that it is a whole lot healthier for me to blog than not to blog. And we also talked a bit about journaling versus blogging ‘in front of’ other human beings. I sort of equate it to ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ to a degree, at least for myself. When journaling by myself I am sitting up there in the attic room exploring what I am finding in my portrait. A very good place to be in and always a time of discovery, but in blogging… I am lugging the picture out of the room, down the stairs, and hanging it over the mantle for anyone who visits me to see. There can be something very honest, open, and healing about blogging. It can also be used for other things not as healthy I think, like when used for narcissistic source supply and to be fed by the attention of others. A line in the spiritual sand that I personally stay fully aware of in the time I spend at Gaia.”
You are not alone sister soul. And all pain leads to growth when we learn the lesson. Just think how absolutely moregorgeous you are going to Be. Keep writing and I am sending you not only love, but understanding. xx