You are best described as:

USUALLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS

Words that describe you:

Understanding Unquestioning Humane Selfless Gentle Kindhearted Gullible Indulgent

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances. But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush. You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you. But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light. Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds. All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs. Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Positive responses to you are likely to far outweigh negative responses. For many people, your genuine kindness will be an example of a way to treat others and a way we want others to treat us. They will see in you the traits of compassion and sympathy which they might want to focus on in the development of their own character. For those people you help you will be the friend they need, there at the right moment to help them when they've stepped into yet another thicket of pain or confusion. They will be grateful for your listening, for your straight talk when they need straight talk more than anything, and for the hand you extend so they can find their way, with your help, out of whatever tangle they've gotten themselves into.

I found this one this year by ASKING FOR IT.  What I mean by that is, I quieted my mind and simply asked the Universe to allow my totem animal to speak to me.  Instantly I heard what I thought was a hawk.  So I open my curtain to see where this creature is... much to my surprise... what I saw hopping in a tree outside my window was the Blue Jay.  Making the call that I had mistaken for the hawk.  And so... I explored... Blue Jay?

(from a link another friend had sent me for a different reason:  http://www.whats-your-sign.com )

Animal symbolism of the blue jay includes:

• Loquaciousness
• Communication
• Determination
• Assertiveness
• Faithfulness
• Intelligence
• Advantage
• Curiosity
• Vibrancy
• Clarity
• Energy

Like the crow, magpie and raven, blue jays are talkative creatures utilizing a wide range of vocalizations to express their opinions. Indeed, their speech abilities are so advanced, that they are able to mimic other birds and even humans. Blue jay’s have been known to mimic hawk calls as a ploy to lure these birds of prey away from jay’s nests.

Likewise, those with the blue jay as their totem are quite loquaciousness, and have the gift of gab. Common vocations of those with the blue jay as their totem are sales people, lawyers, politicians, public speakers, and teachers.

Animal symbolism of determination, assertiveness, and intelligence is also a shared trait among those who claim the blue jay as their totem (and also common attributes with those having the vocations above listed). We see these characteristics in the blue jay because it is fiercely bold against its enemies.

The jay is fearless when it comes to protecting its partner, young and territory. So too are those with this animal as their totem. They will defend their positions against adversaries who seem much more powerful than themselves – often with successful results.

Blue jay animal symbolism resonates truth, faithfulness, and solidarity because they are vigilant in their tasks. They also keep the same mate for life, which is symbolic of endurance, patience and loyalty. The jay is an excellent symbol for those wishing to honor their long-lasting bond between friends, family and lovers.

In the spiritual realm, the blue jay speaks of clarity and vision. In Native American symbolism (namely the Sioux Nation) the azure of the jay against the blue sky indicated a “double vision” or double clarity. This visual/spiritual “blue on blue” concept speaks of purity of the soul, truth of the heart, and clarity of thought.

In dreams the blue jay animal symbolism also deals with clarity – but of higher thoughts, and taking action. When we dream of blue jays our deeper selves may be telling us that we are not being honest with ourselves about something, and it’s time to “come clean” with our thoughts. Blue jay’s in dreams are also symbolic of taking action in the direction of our highest truth. The jay asks for honesty, and forthrightness – any other action taken (such as deceptive or dishonest action) will mean double jeopardy for us in our waking hours.

These spiritual and dream impressions are especially poignant because the jay is an air animal totem. Creatures of the air naturally symbolize the realm of thought, higher ideals, spirituality and the attainment of higher truth.

The Sioux also observed the jay preferring fir and oak trees for their homes and nesting areas. These trees are symbolic of longevity, endurance and strength, and so share the same animal symbolism with the blue jay.

This is not to say the jay is persnickety. On the contrary, the blue jay animal symbolism includes aspects of opportunity and advantage because it will make its home anywhere. From supermarket awnings, to mailboxes, the blue jay is extremely resourceful and makes the best out of its environment. Those with the jay as their totem are likely to be the same way. Generally easy-going, jay people are able to make a turn situations around to their best advantage, and make awesome lemon aid out of the sourest of lemons.

Blue jay’s are vastly curious, stopping to peck at any shiny thing that catches their eye (much like crows and magpies). Those who resonate with the blue jay will also find themselves equally curious. Indeed, blue jay people have are always dabbling in new directions, gathering new insight, and slaking their curiosities. These people tend to be a jack-of-all trades, knowing a little bit about seemingly everything. This makes them fantastic trouble-shooters and quite resourceful (not to mention fascinating party guests).

Have you considered your totem companion by connecting with nature, lately?  See what you find!!

I took a break this evening and wrote in my paper journal; I've been struggling with something as of late and I felt that paper was the best method to use first.  I'm not shy about putting my paper writings into this form, my online journal... so...

if you are reading this, please be aware that it is RAW format ... I am not looking for feedback - this is just processing what's going on in this vessel.

Here is the journal:

Where I am struggling with the forgiveness is the letting go... or concern that the "other" has not let it go.  This is primarily based on the fact that the "other" (who was previously a friend in my life) does not want to communicate with me after several years have passed.

Logically, I understand that I played a part in being their "pain" in the situations as much as I feel that they were the "pain"  from my perspective.  (We both feel wronged, I get that)  I feel that I was "wronged" but it seems that they see me as the only wrong one.  That makes me feel sad because I feel unacknowledged, repressed, and blocked.  I have taken these feelings deeply into my Emotional Body, the painbody, and have limited my friendships to people who are far away, only virtual, or the like.  And when I do get close to new friends, life circumstances seem to come up (do I subconsciously bring these about due to my views of myself as "undeserving"?) that separate me from them.

I have so many reasons why people *shouldn't* or probably won't want to get close to me - and concurrently, I try so hard to build myself a social network, to engage myself with people that I find inspiring.  And yet I am terrified of whether or not these social connections really see me or if I am just an internet/SM commodity to sell their "wares" to.  I truly do find my social networking connections interesting and valuable and want to hear about their "wares" - it's sometiems what has inspired the connection in the first place.

But, it has come up again through a fond memory or coming across those "old friends'" blogs or photos (yeah, I've kept bookmarks and connections on places like Flickr) ... Anywho... 

I don't *hate* these people, so I *want* to communicate happiness when I see something positive, or see a cute photo shared... but I observe things like my comment getting deleted from photos - and it hurts all over again - it feels like they hate me - that what I did, the part I played in the past was so awful to them that social amicable interactions aren't an option.  I can't share that I am happy for them or that I enjoy their creativity.  I feel like I am still being punished.  Why would any new friendships be able to grow in this kind of soil?

I'm not saying I want to jump back into these people's lives - just to be able to share an amicable smile.

How has this carried forward in my life?

• I cloister myself.
• I have a social anxiety disorder
• I try TOO HARD - hoping that I'll find forgiveness from a stranger.
• I can't see what others see in me - even from my sisters.

I can't truly *see* my current friends because I am deeply terrified to open the door to my past to let them see where I've been - am I a reflection of my past? Or a hope of an unknown future? Because I have absolutely NO IDEA of what *is* right here, right now.  I know that this is the only place I truly exist, but I don't know what that means.

Even through the struggles, I never stopped loving these people from my past; so, I've carried them with me in my heart, remembering the moments of joy and closeness... and I miss that.

Now, if I get into a great conversation with a friend, I can start feeling this *presence* and I get out of the funk - but it's moments lik this that I get scared that I will be alone and unknown for the rest of my life.

"You are the only *YOU* in existence." - thought popped into my head - felt like an angelic hand on my shoulder.

I try to find validation in my "responsibilities" - like work.  I can pull myself "out-of-this-funk" by remembering that I have work that I need to do - that I need to be present for - that I've made a commitment to do.  So, I feel that I don't have time to "go there" - I can't not work; it's what pays the bills so I can live here.

I'm feeling terribly embarrassed at not "having it together" enough to live for real.  I hope that in just being present for each day that I connect with my life purpose - and a couple of times, I thought I was connected and on it.  And maybe I was, or even still am, I just don't (can't?) see it right now.  And that's what terrifies me - what the fuck is my purpose anymore?