It's Not You - It's Me, Really

Kelly,

We live in a crazy-making world.  I too had a very emotional weekend.  One of my closest friends, a brilliant attorney, is receiving electroconvulsive therapy in a mental hospital in Washington for resistant depressive bipolar disorder, and my son is about to be released from a mental hospital here for schizophrenia.  You are not alone in your struggles!  I am going to PM you as soon as I can. 

Remember bright star that you are loved….

Julie

Dear Sister Kelly,

>Once I love the “bad” about  me… the more I can just love me for who I am… all of me.

Let's get one thing straight.
There is NO “BAD” in you.
You are perfect,
You are generous & giving,
You are beautiful,
You are loved,
You are, as Julie said, a bright shining star.

Hold these truths…
Everything else is passing illusion.


I Love You (((((((((KELLY))))))))))

Hey Kelly-  Well, you have always been a teacher of sorts, and your life experience is your ultimate teaching tool. :)  I know the depression is tough when you have been practicing it for a while, but your determination is evident. 

And what does it feel like to free fall?  Feels like trust. :)  I have no doubt your life will lead you to the conclusion you are seeking, and no doubt you will be a teacher who will lead by example, and who will touch many peoples lives.

This is the stuff life is made of!  Enjoy the ride, and remember to be easy about it!  You are right in saying you are perfect the way you are.  Always have been, always will be. :)

Kelly you are love and loved.  I would have not driven 4 hours to see you before if you are “bad”.  I see a beautiful soul in you and even before I met you, your wonderful personality goes through online and touched me without me having seen you yet.  I resonate with you, all your wonderful traits and this depression too.  All in all you are a survivor.  I love you!
Samme

take it easy. and keep it flowing, my tattooed feline friend.

here's to washing away of the energetic-gunk :)

~C

burdens that are shared, diminish…joy that is shared, multiplies…

opening up as you did, you shared your experience, strength, and hope…that is your tool kit that enables you to reach others…and allows you to heal within your own awareness…

much love to you, may you be wonder-filled, always, star…

Yup, that's it…you're growing. And even better, you're expanding. Sometimes, that makes for loneliness. Remember how the early Zaadzsters felt a  little lost and lonely when Zaadz–>Gaia and began to expand? A little ilke that: heightened emotions [I was part of it!!!]

And dearest CapriK, who has millions [OK OK I exaggerate–thousands] of friends and yet seems so close and so …”just mine”; without any airs or frills or furbelows…I remember a friend telling me once that I was depressed. But I had felt no sadness! I actually thought I was all floaty and detached and accepting of the world as it is…

So i have no wisdom to give about depression; but this thought to share:

anyone who can stand apart and see herself and her condition from a distance and yet share it so vividly…

is on a cusp before a leap..
And thank you for taking us with you.

Hugs
Meenakshi

Hi ~Kelly

Everyone is their toughest critic.  I mentally brow beat myself into the corner all the time.  Much more that I wish I did.  Being able to openly share your authentic self with us like this, you truly inspire me.  And for that, I love you.  All of you.

Hi Kelly, I went through bouts like this in my early twenties.  For me it was a very transformative time.  I've heard from others as well, when they're evolving to that next plateau of the Spiritual evolution they often go through similar experiences.  Meditation and, believe it or not, omega 3's (fish oil capsules - Whole Foods carries a great line) helped me tremendously during these bouts of depression to help stabilize my emotions.  Take care and know that, “…this too shall pass”.

thinking of you in a freindly compassionate way.

Kells-

Howdy!  It's been awhile.  All I can say is Love, Love, Love…

You are riding the WAVE.  It has crests and troughs, highs and lows, peaks and valleys - wouldn't you say?  Each gives way to the other.  And like you say, it's observable.  That's it really - observe - allow - be non attached to the high or the low as what you are is so much more profound than either “pole” or even what's between them, eh?

In my experience you do need to feel that pain, the depression, but try as you can to keep a portion of yourself always in the observer and therefore not lose yourself totally.  This you already know…     Godspeed on your path.

I admire your courage to share…  It's real and human.  Reminds all of us to be so…

Love One Another

Oh Kelly - my heart is with you.

I went through a very similar experience a few months back, where I was unable to recognize or find myself and could no longer function amongst the rubble that was my life. I had no motivation or reason to go on and it took me by surprise as I too love the feeling of being in control. I went as far as seeing a “head shrinker” who only was able to help point out a few things that I was stumbling upon, but could not help the overall “free fall” - I shamefully abandonned my family for a week in the hopes of getting back to some sense of normalcy. Nothing helped.

But the answer came when a wise friend of mine told me “none of this matters. if you are to evolve (and you must evolve), you have to push forward”. I swear the sky opened up and the light shinned down from heaven at that very moment. And perhaps it was me taking the decision to regain control - but it allowed me to free myself of that energetic sludge that had sapped all my energy.

As we evolve and move toward our “better selves”  - we face these moments of weakness and instability, simply because we are no longer who we were, and not yet who we are to become.

You are strong and beautiful. The light will shine again my friend.

if there were no dark night of the soul, there'd be no shining light…

embrace your darkness; kiss the light; what you are is beyond them both…

always, star…

It strikes me that perhaps you were not looking at the depths of self-hell, Kelly, but rather the Cliff of Truth: there _is_ no self-'substance' capable of clutching, gearing and driving the Heart. It is a Great Release.

I had a weird thing happen here where I had two opposite reactions to your heartfelt post.  On the one hand I remembered something someone said to me recently which was that whenever you have heightened neurosis you are looking at an opportunity for growth and as long as you keep going it will be for the good.

My equally strong reaction is that some of this stuff, especially if it's more chemical or genetic, just has to be survived.  It's a case where closing yourself off and getting through the worst of it is actually the smartest thing you can do. Having been very close to people dealing with some very intense stuff like you're describing I got a feel for how not everything needs to become grist for the spiritual growth mill, sometimes it's okay to just rely on some coping mechanisms and wait until you feel stronger.  I guess then is when you put it into perspective. 

Well… I am not putting it perfectly.  Just the idea that you can (and maybe need to??) protect yourself from the pressure of thinking everything has to be a growth or learning experience.

Hope all is better and brighter today.