Thursday was a whirlwind of last minute cleanning, shopping and then laying out a party at my place ... it snowed early on ... remained fairly cold... so I also got a fire going in the fireplace to warm the living area up...

On the menu:

Various crackers
Brie
Camembert with Herbs
Hummus (a couple different blends)
Baba Ganoush (eggplant spread - kinda like hummus)
Kalamata Olive Tapenade
Guacamole
Carrots
Spelt Bread & 7grain Bread
Vegan Hot Dogs (Good Dogs)
Quinoa Salad with Avocado (mildly spicy)
Asparagus (steamed and chopped)
and a variety of drinks

Dessert area:

The Chocolate Bar: consisted of a large variety of dark chocolate bars from various makers.

Key Lime Tart (from WholeFoods ... phenomenal!!!)

The turnout of people was wonderful .... practically everyone who said they would attend did attend... I love it when that happens.  Everyone loved the space in which we partied ... and enjoyed themselves with the food, drinks and music.  I met a few new connections to my co-workers friends - THIS kind of bonding is what I love about working with these people!  The fact that I can call my co-workers "friends" is dynamically imporant to me ... I cherish the social community that is evolving and growing ... it's beautiful really!

It was so fabulous, too ... because I finally got to see Beth (DP's beloved angel) again.... it had been SO long!!! I miss her dearly ... last night didn't feel like it was long enough... and then to top things off... it really hit me last night that DP was going to be "gone" too ... spending more time in LA than here from this point forward ... It doesn't make sense to me why I have such an attachment to him -- we don't really spend that much time together, but when we chat... the conversations are always profound, deep, intellectual as well as humorous and silly -- so I realized last night that there is a part of me that "needs" him ... and so I know that this separation is going to be challenging for me.  I know that we will still communicate because of work ... but it's the distance between us physically that I feel will alter the friendship for me at least ... I think this plays on my abandoment issues ... not that I feel he's abandoning me - but that I see someone "going away" that I care deeply about.  And the fact of the matter is ... I don't think he really knows (well, now he will) how much our friendship means to me ... I can't even really explain it fully myself ... I just *feel* close.  But, Beth reminded me that I will be able to visit them when I travel to LA ... and that they will stay in touch ... I love them both very much as a couple, too ... a living example of what I find beautiful in a relationship ... yes, the whole thing... bumps and balloon rides both! :)

So, after everyone left I was cleaning up the rooms and feeling all of the emotions from the night ... the joy, the friendships, the laughter, the bliss, and the heartache, too.  It was such an overwhelming flow of energy mixed so well that I was buzzing along nicely on the chores ... and then my roommate came in from an event that she had to attend that evening ... and she jumped right in with me and helped me finish up the dishes and clearng the bar area in the living room .... wonderful conversation (or listening to me prattle on and on about what I was feeling! hehehe).

I finally made it up to bed and was lying there thinking about the evening when it finally hit me ... the waterworks ... the feelng of loss, the *allowance* of what is ... just being okay and present with my emotions ... I cried so deeply... 

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Do the people in your lives know how much they mean to you?  Is it a sacred secret? 

I've got letters to write.

I sent out an email Friday evening to some very close friends and I am utilizing this as an experiment to see what "common thread" comes from the responses ... so far, of the 11 (gotta love that number!!!!) that have responded, there is already a strong theme emerging... and I love it ... so for right now I am gonna keep it "secret"  ... and later this week or possibly on Saturday I will post my "final results"  ... I already know what is within me ... I am just curious, and looking at a new realm of Divination through Mirrors (those with whom I reflect often on my inner needs) -- I am certain that I will have a stronger sense of direction and clarity after all of this... I am truly excited to share the results with all of you... as it truly is an experiment of community, mind and manifesting.

And, anyone who knows me well... knows well that I have a hard time *holding* onto something that I am excited to tell others about ... things to SHARE!

So, very very soon.... you will get to see what I've been working on.


Love Love Love!!

I have control of my flame ... it is always within me.  But I have observed, not only in myself - but also in many others, that the reign (rain) of fear has dampened the environment in which my flame was brightly burning and shining for all the world to feel and see.

So where is the *flame*?  There is a burning ember still there... I am the one responsible for fanning it ... to reignite the passionate flame that once burned so strong.  To believe again that it is safe for my flame to be seen, heard, and felt ... Yes, I allowed the *rain* to suppress / repress my fire ... I did not continue to feed my own source, I did not honor it by giving *me* what I needed to burn at my brightest (my own *highes potential*) -- I take responsibility for that.

But... there is a new level of clarity ... I see what I have done; and NOW is the time for rectifying the situation.



There is a passion inside me ... I am on fire again with a combination of passionate anger and divine compassionate purpose ... I know who I am and have allowed others to *reassign* my drive ... I get it now... and how dare they even try.  How dare the mind games and excuses... how dare anyone challenge me to be less than what I am meant to be ... and to my own self I say, "How dare you fall for it!" ... but there is purpose in falling ... there are great lessons in learning to stand again, learning to fan your personal ember - to fight for your passionate flame - to work hard to be who the Universe intended you to be.

And to those who've used me in this way; I warn you now ... Hell hath no fury - not like this woman scorned - but rather, like your own internal knowing (or subconscious knowing) what you've done.  I know who I am - you know who you are.  I am acting in full intention towards my highest life purpose with the good of all those I encounter in my heart.  I plan on keeping that flame strong, so be aware of this when you approach me.  If you are not at your highest flame, Light will reveal; I am going to fully trust in my intuitive gift - I'm calling a spade a spade when I see a spade. 

I'm currently working on honoring my boundaries, too... No will mean NO; and I will not allow others into my zone if their intent is negative towards me - in order for me to serve others at my highest, I will require strict boundaries for myself.  And I will no longer take on the excessive burden of others - I am more than happy to help when I have the energy and space on my shoulders to carry - but I will no longer water the lawns of those around me to the point that my own lawn dies and turns to dirt.  I am not going to make those around me more successful to the demise of my own success.  Energy vampires are going to be exposed. 

And if those around me don't give credit where credit is due ... it is MY responsibility to take ownership of the fruits of my labor.  I will stand my ground for the work that I produce; without attachment - but not without proper credit for hard work well done.  Never again.

Honor, Integrity and personal Authenticity are once again in my hands and they are the flint rocks should I ever forget my own flame!!!

I love it!  It couldn't be any more true today if I wrote it myself .... but wait, maybe I did??? ;)


During your entire life, you have maybe never been as free as you are now from the need to be rescued by some savior. You don't need anyone to rescue you from your own dark fantasies because, at least for the moment, your bright fantasies have rendered them obsolete. You don't need anyone to liberate you from oppression or enslavement, because you are fully empowered to do the job yourself. You don't even need anyone to deliver you from evil, since your recent hard work has made evil allergic to you.

A little over a week ago, after a very dismal dating experience, I sent out an email to some of my closest friends.  The intent of the email was to remind myself of the values that I may have been overlooking and compromising when agreeing to go out on dates with men.  I felt that a reflection through the eyes of my friends would bring that awareness back to center and help me focus again.  In addition to just the personal qualities, I allowed for intuitive guidance - if they wanted to play with it - towards describing what they saw as the physical attributes, if any.  Here are the amazing results of that experiment from those who participated (no, not all responded, but quite a few did - enough to produce a strong thread on many aspects):

(I'm gonna copy and paste a few of the conversations without naming names)

I see you with a manly-man who likes sports (first thing that came to mind).  Larger than you and fairly "manly."  Sensitive, I'm seeing darker hair . . . rascalicious, serious about his work.  I see him picking you up easily (woo hoo).  He's playful and well rounded.  He can go to the opera or be a bad boy.  Might not be the status quo "spiritual" type but has a depth beyond what he might care to talk about.  You know, he doesn't go around saying he's spiritual but really is.  I'm also seeing a guy that can be alone, like go fishing, kayaking.  He's looking a little older to me and just dotes on you (but sometime not in front of his guy friends - you know the man thang).

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 I think that your 'perfect partner' now is going to be someone who himself is not perfect, and who pushes your buttons in the process of polishing his own spiritual core. But that's not quite it either. It's close.

I'll try again. I see someone grounded and perhaps not, at first blush, your idea of an ideal mate (that is, someone who might not himself be into, or understanding of, divinations and more new age spiritualities, but who respects and loves your own interest in it), someone who's more a counterbalance, someone comfortable with himself and not necessarily a seeker, such that his stability and steadiness will allow you to feel held so that you can further explore what you need to. Someone not threatened by your emotions and strength, but someone who can take care of you when you need it. It sounds funny, but I see you in a partnership of the sort where those outside just don't get it (that is, that you wouldn't appear to be soul mates on the surface) but where the two of you see something so much more deep.

+++++++++++

In the short- to mid-term, it looks like you need a sensitive person who will give you lots of attention and be there for you. Seems that what you need is some close companionship....

For a while.

After a bit more healing, I see you stronger and possibly on your own - not that you will be on your own, nec., but that you COULD be.

Lastly, I'm not sure I see you with a man, ultimately. Dunno.

+++++++++++

I closed my eyes for a while...and didn't really see any particular face, but I thought (or perhaps saw silvery hair) 'older man'.  I recognize this is only my perspective (since I consider myself an older man), but an older man is likely to be more appreciative of you and also more likely to be a good ground or a base you can settle into[more like 'orbit around'?].  Ok, good luck with the polling.

+++++++++++

I think your soul mate should be quiet.  Not that you are always quiet, but that a "noisy" person might disturb your often contemplative state.  Ideally he would be someone who would want to contemplate the universe with you.  That being said, maybe he is not always quiet either, but definitely not a "rowdy" person.  Especially not obnoxious.  Also a quiter (or a little bit shy) person might be more willing to let you be alone from time to time without getting insecure.

Another trait I think would be ideal wouuld be an honest person.  This is someone who will tell the truth all the time.  Not blurting out every mean-spirited thought, mind you, but someone who when asked a direct question, will not beat around the bush or try to change the subject.  Honesty can be hard to find in this day and age (especially in LA- wink wink), but I think if you can find someone like that, who also a good friend, you will find someone you can talk to, which is the biggest obstacle to most relationships (friends or soul mates).

The last, but probably most important trait I think your ideal soulmate should have is to be a loving person.  The ability to love someone, and put their needs/well-being above your own is a wonderful trait, and despite what some people think, not all people have this trait.  Whether it be a mother, sister, brother, friend, son or daughter, the ideal soulmate should be able to but their welfare above his own.  With this comes the ability to forgive.  He should not be the one who is always right.  We all need a little humility to make us human.  Someone who does not accept this, is not someone you want to be around (as they are sure to be vain and self-important).

+++++++++++

I will go with internal qualities. I see these in "K's companion":

- caring, sensitive, adventurous, risk-taking, not afraid to try new things in life.

See what your heart wants. I am sure you are doing that already.

+++++++++++

When I think of you and the man that would be a wonderful partner for you I see a man that will be open-minded but not easily swayed.  A seeker of knowledge and wisdom with enough discernment to separate the wheat from the chaff.  A man that is physically fit and challenges you to be the same.  A vegetarian (even though I know you're not a vegetarian, he is).  He is carefree without being irresponsible.  Sexually, he's game for whatever you guys consent to.  He has some different interests than you - you guys will be able to teach other things (maybe he teaches you about Jazz and you teach him about Tarot!).  He's lived in different places and traveled and so has experience with different cultures and that contributes to his open-mindedness and desire to explore the world.  He's a creative person - a non-linear thinker.  He has healthy family connections but isn't tied to them (meaning, his life decisions are made based on whether they are good for him, not whether his family wants him to do something or not).  Because of his non-linear thinking and creative spirit, he's great with kids and wants his own... Biological and adopted.

+++++++++++

Don’t try so hard with men.
 
 In the past you’ve picked men that are ego centric and they don’t appreciate you.
 
 Perhaps you are in the habit of being attracted to the wrong type of men.
 
That’s why I say don’t try so hard…..just let it happen.
 
Make sure he loves YOU more in the beginning.
 
If you stop looking…..it will happen.

+++++++++++

...I can't imagine what the guy looks like. For some reason I keep seeing glasses. However, I see him as well engaged and entrenched in his own life. He's very loyal to his word. He's not always available, but when he is you have his full attention. He's very patient. He doesn't talk a lot and when he does, he's very clear and concise.

+++++++++++

You know the saying, "you can't love somebody unless you love yourself."  We've talked about this before...  So, I feel strongly that he will have the gift of encouragement.  He will lovingly encourage you to see yourself in a new light.  Things that make you beautiful, things that you never considered before, will be revealed to you and embraced by you.  You will feel liberated.  He will "bring the best out in you."  As a result of his encouragement, you will love yourself and in turn be able to love him.  I can't picture him physically, but I can spiritually-he will have the gift of encouragement.

+++++++++++

I see you with a person that will sit back and listen to what you have to say.  One who is not prone to jumping to conclusions or is impromptu.  The picture I have in my mind is one who listens to all your angles and can filter what is important or needed in order to give focus to a main thought or idea.  He is a thinker and has confidence but is definately not boring or egotisical.

+++++++++++

The man that continues to show up in me is a strong healer. Someone with dark hair who is into astrology, energy, conscious relationship, massage therapy, and yoga. Other than that, I feel like he will be sensitive, yet strong and he will be a big NASCAR fan (Just kidding about that last part). It's tough for me to be too much more specific than that but I do know that he is a very cool guy and that the wait is going to be worth it.

+++++++++++

(...) I do have a tip.  Think about this man as solely a love partner.  See yourself as completely self sufficient- having the love, prosperity, abundance, and more fun and friends in your life than a lifetime could really allow for- and then imagine the man you want to share it with. This way you aren't putting out the vibe that 'I'm looking for a partner to complete my experience' as much as 'Hey sexy guy-i'm a lot of fun- come be my lover and be a part of my incredible and exciting world- i'd love to share it with you'.  You won't be able to keep em off ya.

+++++++++++

And there were two or three in-person conversations with friends who felt it more comfortable to reflect that way - who also offered a great deal of advice, too.

What is going on in my life right now is a HUGE break, allowing for a HUGE break-through for my own self.  Yes, a bad date instigated this fun inquiry... but in all honesty, I have a bit more work and healing repairs to do on this vessel before I can even offer "something" to anyone else right now.  So, yes, I have "taken myself off the market" for a better part of this next year to work on me.  Prior to the conversations and emails, I had already decided to do this work - signed up with a Life Coach to start in the emotinal arena (oh, the layers this onion has!!); and have been committed to physical exercises that will help me gain focus and clarity as well as beneficial physical attributes.

But what I did find out from my experiment is that the TRUTH **IS** reflected in the hearts of my friends ... and that, too, is where I can look to find the attributes that would be most beneficial to me in a companionship - a life partner who also is a best friend and who gets along with most of my closest friends.  So, seeing that there is even a common thread about some of the physical attributes (the dark hair, "bigger than me", sensitive, non-egoic, etc) ... just seeing the echoes amidst the words of those with whom I feel closest... reminded me that what is within me is deeply reflected in those who truly love me for ME. 

Beyond a shadow of doubt, I know that I will meet the most extraordinary man in the world who will be all of these reflections and more... and will treat me with all of this love and more for the rest of my life.  Time is irrelevant.  It will happen when I am fully in love with myself and have forgiven the "sins" of my past wounds, pains and hates.  Soon, so very... very soon.

Thank you again for ALL of the input from my friends... and if anyone would like to expand on what they feel in the comments... by all means PLEASE DO... I would love the feedback!!!

I seal this blog entry with all of the Gratitude and Love in my whole being: THANK YOU ALL!!

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!!!!!