Awake at this Hour

It's nearly 2am - and yet again, I am wide awake.  It's been like this for nearly a month now.  Sleeping issues.  I know I have the space in which to "deal with this" at this time.  But I wonder what it all means ... I'm becoming more and more of a "person of the night" it seems.  My clock no longer resonates with the "rest of the world" ... those who are plugged into a regular job. 

I miss my co-working friends terribly.  I still feel, at times, that I had been ripped out of their lives by the decisions of other people.  How am I to believe that *I* manifest my dreams when I seem to also subconsciously manifest catalysts and situations that also do harm to me?  How do I uncondition my mind/psyche to unlearn the torture I had been taught to believe? 

I've been picking up my divination cards again lately ... this past week .... two different decks basically gave me the same card:  FORGIVENESS ... one specifically asking me "Who do you need to forgive?" ... what does it mean to forgive, though?  Do I go back through my entire life and recall those who have inflicted harm?  I understand the process of forgiveness and its importance.  That is my mind doing what it does best ... what is most challenging is for me to *feel* ... to bring it down into my heart again... with all that has been going on ... I've set up some nearly insurmountable walls. 

This is a venting post... mostly writing because I am awake at this hour yet again and I've not blogged in quite a while... and feel a great need to get some thoughts down ... out of my head. 

I've set some *wishes* out to the Universe.  And I am working diligently on "letting go" and "allowing" the Universe to deliver... it is strengthening my fortitude and reestablishing my ability to Trust again. 

I caught a mouse in my room just the other day... "tis the season" for them to find warmer quarters ... I've sealed off more areas now... but ... we are out on 10 acres of rural land... there are LOTS of mice out here.... and bunnies... and squirrels... and birds.... and no matter how well I seal off corners, closets, baseboards, and gaps in the walls that lead to darker spaces... there are still door gaps that allow these critters access to my space .... and so ... I am certain that I will continue to deal with them throughout the winter.  It was a small mouse... I managed to stun it (bright light from my bedside flashlight) ... so it was trying to find its access point, and I think it was just blinded and unable to find its way back.... I quickly trapped it near a blanket that was on the floor... picked it up by the very end of its tail and promptly escorted it outside.... bleh!  I understand the critters' needs... I do... and I wish they were carriers of disease and so prolific ... they are cute mice... I just can't see keeping each one as a pet... I'd have to set up a huge terrarium to do that.  And the scratching sounds... gawd, that drives me NUTS ... so that's another reason I couldn't keep them.

Another week seems to have flown by ... where is my life going?  I feel like I am free falling right now.  There is no ground to stand on... faith is all I have and even that seems to be dissolving from my existence ... or so it just seems ... I feel out of control... and I know so many of my friends who would be quick to giggle at such a remark from me... but I am used to having at least one area of stability in my life... and that has been *work* ... a job to maintain my weekdays, to make me feel like I have some bit of purpose... now I am finding purpose again... new direction? new path? or the same path only more focused on just that path? 

I don't feel like many of my previous contacts have really reached out to stay in touch, or followed through on silly little things like getting together for drinks... my minds starts to question the authenticity of the friendships.  And that causes me pains... I am scared to reach my hand back out towards these previous friends ... for fear of "intruding" or "interrupting" their lives... since they've not contacted me.  Rejection is a deep wound opener for me.  Do I want to see the Truth of these friendships?  That they weren't as strong as I had romanticized them to be?  I understand that people grow in different directions... I do get that fully... I've had that experience time and time again.  I just thought... some connections that I had made were stronger... and maybe ... the romanticized versions were all I really had.

Here and there... that's where my mind is taking me... all over the place.  When I center, and yes... with deep breathing and my essential oils (GAWD, I love Jasminum Officinale right now!!!) I do have calm moments.  But, I also have moments where I feel like a dandelion seed in the wind... blown, scattered, uncertain of where I will land. 

I am trying my best to understand the situations that I have Created in my life... I do believe that I have made choices that have led me in directions that then create challenges wherein I am supposed to learn or experience a deeper truth about my True Self. 

I don't feel like I fit into this world anymore... the systems that are currently in place feel utterly foreign to me.  I feel like an alien on a planet that doesn't see me, know me or understand me... how do I survive in this environment?  and the more I *feel* this, I do know that I subconsciously create more of it.  When did my mindset shift again?  When did I stop believing in the job of my dreams?  When did I start believing that people around me didn't care for anyone but themselves?  When did this feeling of abandonment rear its ugly head again?  Where am I?  Why does it nearly take every ounce of my entire being to step foot outside my personal space at home to go do anything?  (I understand that I have always had a mild issue with depression and social anxiety disorder - but I thought I had created situations to heal that part of me)

What am I doing wrong?  Even when I stand firm in what I want; I feel like I am falling down.  The Universe is conspiring with me?  Why do I not see this yet? 

I hurt... I can't sleep... and, depending on what hour you catch me during the day... you would probably never know any of this is inside of me... and why do I write this all out for the world to see?  What does it matter that the world reads these words?  A witness?  Why would anyone want to observe this process?

I still smile.  There is still hope inside this vessel.  I am afraid that's all I've got to hang onto these days.  Hope... that I reconnect with the flow of energy that empowers me to "live to my highest potential" ... Hope.

It is now past 2:30am ... enough venting for now.